Recovery From Codependency

Not A Road With An End

We often tend to think that if we can figure out what the problem is, if we just put our thinking caps on, that we will find a solution and “fix” it. If only we could love enough or be patient long enough or be kind enough or get our brain working on all cylinders, we can make it all better. And people are always willing to tell you that’s what’s needed too!

Codependency can be a bit grandiose. To think that we have this much power, to “fix” everything. Everybody else’s problems. Behaviors. Emotions.

But we’d rather think this than the alternative, at first. We can give up our time, energy, love, clever answers, money, resources. “We can do it!”, we think. “It’s just one more thing and I care so much.” I can do it all because that’s what good people do, right?

Then exhaustion and resentment come flooding in as we do less and less to take care of ourselves and get less and less back from others to fill up our cup.

But by this time, we’ve already made a deal, a compact, a promise to someone else, or several someones. How can we back down on our word? We promised. We made a commitment. Once we’ve created this space and relationship, it gets so hard to get out.

The worry about what they will think and feel and what terrible things can happen to them floods our emotional pool.

The struggle is real, people.

It is important to ask yourself these questions:

Is it possible to live a life in which we get to choose? In which we get to pause and reflect and have fun? Is it possible to expect others to care for us and give back, and be honest? To stand by their promises to us?

How did things get to the point where only our promises should/can be counted on?

Somewhere in our minds and hearts we know this is not working for us. It tugs at our mind. It tugs at our heart. It tugs at our body. It wreaks havoc with our emotions.

As I walked through these relationships, new and old, some long time gone, I have often felt like I am walking in a field and all of the people are running alongside, in front of and behind me. Angry. Nagging. Demanding. Expecting. Needing. Shaming. Blaming. They are nipping at my heels as I walk faster and faster, trying to get away, but they keep on coming.

In my dreams sometimes, I am yelling at these people. Honestly, I wish I had done that more.

In real life, I am always kind. I am always careful to say things in a helpful but honest way. I choose to not treat others with disrespect. But no matter how well we do it, we can’t control how they hear us nor how they interpret what we say.

But that means we have to be on guard and that, in and of itself, is exhausting.

Eventually we have to make the choice. Do we choose them or do we choose ourselves?

We cannot fix anyone. We can’t make everybody’s “everything” feel better, work better, be safer, be smarter, be happier, Most importantly, we cannot make anyone decide to get better and even if they did what we thought they should, it wouldn’t work because it’s not their own choice of direction. Only they can heal what’s going on inside them.

We can only do our own work. We have to let them do theirs. We have to make hard choices.

This is a hard lesson fraught with many losses and the fear and the grief of them. The fear and the grief as we even think about it can feel overwhelming and unsurvivable.

The truth is, the only way to happiness is to go through whatever is in the way. And you don’t only have to do it once. You have to keep doing it all throughout your life. There is not a template of how to get over the pain and heartache of relationships. Get through one and there will be another waiting for you.

This has to be a lifelong plan. It will evolve and expand and contract and grow and you will have to keep working. Forever.

It is, after all, our road. Look around, imagine your better life in the horizon and keep heading there. Be careful where you step.